Arguing is a normal part of relationships, given that we all have different opinions and views about the world around us.  However, arguing can become so frequent and intense that it seems like the there is no hope for a relationship.  Dr. John Gottman, a recognized expert in the field of couples therapy and psychology describes four prominent negative interactions between couples that are detrimental to marriages.  He called them the “The Four Horses of Apocalypse” and are described as follows:

1. Criticism is attacking the character of your partner instead of identifying negative behaviors. Examples: “You’re so selfish!” “you’re an idiot!”
2. Contempt or disrespect usually follows criticism. Examples: name calling, rolling of eyes, sarcasm, and hostile humor.
3. Defensiveness is the reaction to feeling attacked by your partner.  Unfortunately acting in a defensive matter will not help you solve any problems.
4. Stonewalling or tuning out your partner will usually follow the previous interactions, and leads to having your partner feeling ignored and angrier.

These four common interactions can lead a couple to think and even seek a divorce.  Learning effective communication can help a couple communicate their needs and desires in a safer interaction.  Poor communication is a common issue among couples who come to therapy.  If you struggle communicating with your partner or experience criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling in your arguments maybe it’s time to seek professional help. If you need to talk to someone about problems in your relationship consider contacting a professional.

One of the major causes that couples seek professional help for is their difficulty communicating, especially listening.  This prevents couples from understanding each other and, even more importantly, from solving problems or compromising.  Therefore, the same problems keep coming up time after time. I want to clarify that most people do not learn to listen effectively.  We usually learn how to listen growing up in our environment, form our parents or role models.  We all don’t have the fortune to grow up around effective communicators.  We usually encounter difficulty in our relationships, at home, at work and, and in our friendships before we realize that we need to work on our listening skills. In my experience, active listening is one of the most important communication skills.  Here are some basic active listening techniques that I usually teach couples who are seeking to improve their communication:

1. Clarifying : Asking questions to help you understand what the speaker is trying to say. Example: “Are you saying that I insulted you?”
2. Restating:  Restate your understanding of what is being said with facts or the basic idea of what is being communicated. Example: “Just so I understand, you’re saying that I called you at an inappropriate time yesterday?”
3. Encouraging: Showing interest in what the speaker is saying by using neutral words and a neutral tone of voice in an effort to encourage him/her to continue talking. Examples: “Go on….” , “O.K.”,  “Uh huh.”
4. Summarizing: Reviewing progress of the conversation, restating major ideas, and establishing a basis for further discussion.  Example: “Let me make sure that I understand what you’re saying. You’re frustrated at work because your boss is given you extra responsibilities?”
5. Validating: Acknowledging the other person’s feelings, efforts and worthiness.  Example: “It sounds like you put a lot of effort into finishing your project at work.”
6. Reflecting: To reflect the speaker’s basic feelings as you understand them. Example:  “You seem sad about your friend moving to a different town.”

These active listening skills can be challenging to put into action because our feelings about a situation can get in the way of our efforts to be effective communicators.  However, with practice, you can learn to master these skills and become a better communicator.

Do all relationships have to work out? I’m often faced with this question in one form of another in my work with couples. As a couple’s therapist I would like to be able to help every couple that comes to me asking for help. The truth is that it’s not always the case. Here are some common reasons relationships do not work out:

1. Not being fully invested into the relationship.
2. Difficulty Trusting.
3. Inability to forgive the other for the mistakes made in the past.
4. Abuse, either physically, psychologically or emotionally.
5. Unrealistic Expectations, which usually leads to focusing on the negative.
6. The existence of an addiction or a mental illness with or without treatment.
7. Failure to communicate needs in the relationship.
8. Lack of respect for each other.
9. Inability to reach compromises when opposite ideals, opinions, or beliefs.
10. Difficulty dedicating time to the relationship.
11. Believing that one “needs” a partner instead of wanting to be with partner
12. Fear. Different fears apply: Fear of losing a partner or jealousy, fear of settling for less, often referred to as “the grass is greener on the other side,” and fear of commitment.

It is important to mention that each one of these areas needs to be addressed separately, either individually or with partner. If a couple comes to therapy in an effort to improve their relationship and work on any of these areas, one or both partners may find it difficult, as a result the couple discontinues therapy usually at an early stage. At times, couples do not even make it to therapy. If this is the case, one or both partners decide to end the relationship. There are no warranties that the person that you’re in a relationship with is the person for you. However, if the previous issues are identified and worked on, relationships can last and be filled with love and joy.

The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman is one of my favorite books to recommend to couples seeking to improve their relationship.  Dr. Chapman explains that the expression of love falls into five different categories; each of us can identify one or two of these categories in the way we express love, and the way we want to receive love from others.  Usually, the way we express love is the way we expect to receive it. The five love languages are as follow:

• Words of Affirmations – hearing “I love you” or the reasons why you’re loved, hearing unsolicited compliments
• Quality Time – undivided attention, spending one on one time with your partner
• Receiving Gifts – it’s the thoughtfulness and efforts behind giving a gift
• Acts of Service – taking over your partner’s responsibilities
• Physical Touch – hugs, kisses, holding hands and more physical affection

The reason that I believe this book is helpful is that it explains that there is no right or wrong way to express love, there are just different ways.  The goals is to concentrate on what is effective for your partner and your relationship.  Since we’re individuals coming from different families and backgrounds, we usually have a different idea of how love is expressed.  Finding out how your partner understands love can be key to the success in your relationship. In the same manner, understanding your love language can help you ask for what you need in the relationship.  The book is also interactive, since it provides a quiz that will help you find out your love language, as well as a quiz for your partner. Remember, expecting that your partner “knows” what your love language is will most likely never happen, so do not count on it.  Instead help your partner show you his/her love.  We all need guidance.  I would also like to point out that Dr. Chapman is a Pastoral marriage counselor so the book mentions his beliefs often.  Regardless of your religious views, I believe that the concept of the five love languages can help couples express and receive love in a more effective manner. If you feel that your efforts to express love are being overlooked, or you feel unappreciated, this book could help.