In my work with couples I’m often faced with this question, and unfortunately, love is not enough to maintain a relationship. Love can motivate actions or motivate you to work on a relationship, but to maintain a relationship takes two motivated individuals. Have you ever ended a relationship even though you loved that person? Have you been in a relationship with someone who said he or she loved you back, but his or her actions showed something different? Have you been repeatedly hurt by the person who says they love you? Have you ever loved someone who didn’t feel the same way about you? These are all instances where love was not enough.

I have found that commitment—defined as a long-term orientation toward a relationship, including intent to persist and feelings of psychological attachment (Wieselquist et al. 1999)—is a major factor in creating enduring long-term relationships. Without commitment, it’s easier to move on to find the next “better” partner for you. In fact, scientific studies confirm that human beings are neurologically able to love more than one person at a time (Fisher 2005). Therefore, a strong sense of commitment is needed in long-term relationships. This helps to avoid distractions and urges to act from feelings of lust and attraction towards others than your long-term relationship partner.  Other factors that have been identified in order to secure long-term relationships are cooperation, trust, and loyalty (Beck 1989).

I encounter much confusions about love when working with individuals in long-term relationships. My clients tell me things like: “I’m not in-love with him/her anymore,” “I don’t know if I love my partner the same way,” “I don’t have the same passion about my partner.” You may think some of the same things, because we have an idea of love that is highly influenced by mainstream culture: advertising, movies, TV shows, poems, songs, etc. Unfortunately, these influences create an unrealistic expectation about feelings, desires, and needs in relationships.

If you are in a long term relationship and have noticed that the love you feel for your partner is different from when you first got together, you’re experiencing something absolutely normal that comes with the changes you encounter as a relationship ages and evolves. Anthropologists and researchers have identified three stages of love in humans (Fisher 1998; 2005): Lust, attraction, and attachment. It’s believed that love evolves for mating and reproductive purposes, which allows us to live in long term relationships as we get older. Think about this: as our bodies age, even with the help of erectile dysfunction drugs, estrogen supplements, testosterone therapy, and hip replacements sex is not eternal. What stage of love are you currently in? Do you think that your partner feels the same way? What are you and your partner expecting of your relationship in the future? These are great questions for you to discussed together.

Often times we have expectations about others, the world, and ourselves.  Expectations for ourselves can help us succeed and accomplish the objectives we set in life. Unfortunately, expectations can also bring much disappointment when we believe that others share our expectations or will share them in the future, but
they do not or will not.  This belief can bring feelings of disappointment, hurt, frustration, stress, and even anger towards our loved ones. I have learn to believe that the more expectations we have of others, the greater the chances are that they will let us down.  This statement can sound confusing and even strange for some, because it’s a fairly common practice to have expectations of others, especially our loved ones.

I would like to clarify that there is a difference between asking for what we want and expecting others to give us what we want because they “should” give it to us. There is also a difference between what is a priority for us and what is a priority for others. Using words like should, should not, have to, and ought to can communicate expectations. In an effort to avoid further disappointment, hurt, stress, frustration, and anger, I suggest lowering some expectations, especially the ones that keep disappointing us time after time.  Of course, easier said than done.
Many people come to therapy in an effort to let go of their expectations and learn to identify the beliefs where these expectations are rooted.  Through the work in therapy, individuals and couples can learn new ways to communicate their needs and desires from their loved ones without the expectation that causes feelings of hurt and anger. If people, the world, and even yourself keeps letting you down, maybe it’s time that you consider being more flexible, talking to a professional may help.  You can free yourself from constant disappointed, hurt, frustration, and anger towards your love ones who disregard or refuse to do what you expect.

Arguments and discussions can lead to ugly places.  Having an arguments is necessary in order to achieve solutions at times.  In my previous Blog I mentioned what NOT to do during an argument.  Here are 10 Tips that can help you have more constructive arguments and reach understanding:

1. Set aside a quiet time to discuss the problem
2. Take turns in talking
3. Respect each other’s turn even if you don’t like what you’re hearing
4. Keep the discussion to ONE single conflict at a time
5. Don’t judge, concentrate on the facts
6. Avoid bringing back unrelated differences from the past
7. LISTEN!!!! Even if you disagree with what the other person is saying
8. Validate others FEELINGS despite the different opinions or points of view
9. Show that you care
10. Ask questions to clarify confusions

Difficulties communicating are very common among couples and relationships.  If you’re struggling to communicate with your partner or a family member maybe it’s time to seek professional help.

We all want to be special to our partner- to feel important, to be desired, ultimately to be loved and secured. These needs can lead us to do or say many irrational things such as fighting, pursuit, insult and even bullying a partner which ultimately damages the relationship and decreases the chances of feeling loved and secure. We can work against our objectives without even knowing it. Therefore, learning to identify what these are can be difficult. According to attachment researcher and theorist John Bowlby (1958) we learn patterns of relating through our relationship with caregivers since infancy. Hazan and Shaver therapist and researchers (1987, 1990, 1994) took Bowlby’s theory and proposed that romantic love is a process of the same attachment or relational pattern we learn as infants and in childhood, they also proposed a classification for adult interactions with loving partners. Their classification includes: Secure Attachment, Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment, Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment, and Fearful-Avoidant Attachment.

Secure Attachment individuals can balance intimacy and independence. They usually have a positive view of themselves, their partners and their relationships. Needless to say, secure attachment individuals can have healthier and happier relationships with little effort.

Anxious-Preoccupied individuals have a hard time trusting. They want to feel elevated levels of intimacy, and may exhibit intense emotional expressiveness, worry and impulsive behaviors in their relationships. They often seek an increased approval from partners usually leading to a sense of dependency or “neediness”. They have less positive views about themselves and their partners.

Dismissive-Avoidant individuals aspire a high level of independency. They may even appear to avoid attachment or closeness altogether. These individuals perceive themselves as self-sufficient and not needing close relationships. They suppress their feelings, and deal with rejection by distancing themselves from partners of whom they usually have a poor opinion.

Fearful-avoidant individuals go back and forward about their feelings towards close relationships, both desiring closeness and feeling uncomfortable with it. They often have difficulty trusting their partners and see themselves as unworthy. They may avoid intimacy and suppress their feelings. We all share small traits of all of the previous classifications, however we may find we gradually fall under one of them more often than not.

Remember that these relating behaviors are usually learned at an early age and are mostly unconscious, so that we are not doing them on purpose. Our brain is programmed to work this way when interacting with other important people in our lives. The first step to change is to identify that this is happening. Once you accept that is a problem in your life you can take steps to make things different. Change is possible, with determination and commitment you can learn new ways to relate to others close to you. Learning more effective ways to communicate your emotions can be useful if you’re trying to alter a negative patterns of interaction.

Problems in our marital relationships can add stress to the pile of daily preoccupations.  Having a healthy relationships can relieve some stress. The following are ten tips to have a healthy marital relationship:

1. Have a weekly date night
2. Talk about your day with each other
3. Call or text in the middle of the day just to say Hey!
4. Let your partner know how much you appreciate the things he/she does
5. Talk about your future plans
6. Show interest in his/her hobbies from time to time
7. Take a vacation together without children or other family members
8. Say “I love you” more often
9. Have more sex
10. Choose your battles wisely

The above tips can help you add positive events in your relationship, but are not the intended to fix the problems you may be already experiencing.  If you need to talk to someone about problems in your relationship may be is time to seek professional help.